Why I Hate KISS and You Should Too!

As KISS prepared to release their live album "Alive", they noticed something troubling: they didn't sound very good live, in fact, they were pretty bad.  On the album, you couldn't see their out of this world show, you could only hear the music, and the music wasn't very good.  It was really just a poor performance.  So much so that the band went into the studio and re-recorded parts of the album.  No other band in history has ever doctored a live record (or at least admitted to it).  A live show is the truest representation of a band's skill.  It's the litmus test, and KISS did not pass it.  And that, in a nutshell is my problem with KISS.  

Strip away the pomp and circumstance, the facepaint and the fireworks and there's nothing really there.  They are the perfect example of style over substance.  That "substance" is the music, the thing that's supposed to be the most important aspect of a band.  Even their biggest hit "Rock N' Roll All Night", is just what it says, a bland song about wanting to Rock N Roll all night, and party every day.  It doesn't get any deeper than party songs with KISS, and their party songs aren't that good.  There's no monster guitar riff, no big solo, nothing musically interesting.  Just bland music about partying and how cool it is.  (By the way, if you can name another KISS song, I'll be impressed.  They are really just a 1 hit wonder.  Oh, and if you try to say "Dr. Love" you have to be able to prove to me that you knew that song before the Dr. Pepper commercial)


Now, there's nothing wrong with party music.  Jazz, is mostly party music, but jazz is interesting.  It takes talent to play jazz, a lot of talent actually.  But when you listen to KISS, there's nothing interesting or different about the music.  It's really bland rock music.  It doesn't stand out in any way.  The guitar work is average, the hooks are decent at best, and there's nothing innovative or interesting about it.  Sure they look weird, and a lot of stuff blows up when they're on stage, and their light shows are the stuff of legends, but there's nothing to the music.  The music HAS to be the most important part of any great band.  There's nothing wrong with style, style is good, Van Halen has style for days, but they have the music to back it up. Showmanship and being able to own a stage are great qualities, but they don't make a band.  The music does.


Now, there are tons of marginally talented bands out there, so how has KISS managed to elevate themselves to the status of "Rock Gods"?  Because they have marketed themselves that way.  They act the part: they drive big cars, live the lifestyle and put on the biggest concert show you've ever seen, all in an attempt to hide the fact that they just aren't that good.  If I were to ask you what is the one thing that KISS does as well or better than any other band, if you really thought about it you would answer: marketing.  Seriously??  This is a rock band, and the thing that sets them apart from everyone else is marketing?!  But you have to give them credit, their name, face and likeness is on more crap than any other band in history.  They've made movies, cartoons, lunch boxes, action figures and just about everything else under the sun.  Everything they do, from the facepaint to Gene Simmons' tongue is done so that you will remember them.  And again, that's not necessarily a bad thing, but when there's no music to back it up, now you've got a problem.  Heck, their most "artistic" achievement is making a music video without the facepaint!  That's it.


And it's because they're so memorable, because they put on such a show, that KISS has earned most of their notoriety.  Watch or read any list of 100 greatest and KISS will without a doubt have snuck their way onto the list.  It's egregious!  It's like putting Dontrel Willis on a list of the greatest pitchers of all time because he has that super high leg kick.  Or choosing Pepsi ahead of Coke because the label is cooler.  At the end of the day, its what's inside that matters, and with KISS, there's nothing inside.


That's thing I can't stand about this band: style trumps talent.  Its the thought that if there are enough bright lights and explosions, I'll forget that the music sucks.  It's why I change the station every time their song comes on, why I almost throw things at the TV when VH1 puts them in a 100 Greatest category.  There is no substance, no talent, no originality or skill, just a couple of hacks in Halloween makeup who missed their calling to become marketing majors.  Or, more simply, they are everything that Rock and Roll SHOULDN'T be.